9 · Midnight Cabs

Very weird — the more deeply I push myself into solitude, the closer I feel to God. Why would that be the case? I feel like I have God right in front of me, God watching every single thing I do, every thought that passes me, whether I hold onto Christ-like thoughts, whether I can let demonic, satanic lures pass by.

Just know that God is watching all your thoughts. God is with you at all times. God knows everything you do and think. It's a test. It's a bootcamp. It is unfathomably rare to get a six-month window with no social connections — just you, your work, and your grind. You could metamorphose, quantum leap, make the atomic electron transition into something unknown. I swear, and somehow I know this: wherever you go, you will almost never have time like this again. If everything you said about your life comes true, you will only have scraps of hours to spend in solitude — not these prolonged periods where it is just you wrestling with God.

How deep can you tolerate abstractness? How much cognitive stress can you bear? How long can you work without reaching for your phone? How much can you do one more rep holding onto Jesus? It's not about the hours right now — you are already maximising time — it's about more high-intensity focus. Once the bomb timer starts, sprint with schizophrenic paranoia and push like a beam of light.

Today is oddly peaceful. To see why: I had a morning prayer in the cab, listening to YouTube videos first thing about Jesus, about how seeking the kingdom of God first gives the peace that transcends all human understanding. And the peace I have right now — man, my prayers are coming true. I was wrestling violently with God for days, especially last night, and today's work is silent, peaceful and grateful. Just a reminder: it's not that I chose to put peace as a priority. It's a blessing from God after wrestling with God. So I trust it is a gift, and I need to keep wrestling. Keep God close. Hold your rosary and Bible, ask for wisdom, seek the truth, reach out to Jesus for help. Jesus will guide you through this massive phase of uncertainty.

When we are wrestling with God, we are closer to God — hold onto that as things get harder. Conducting metacognitive analysis in retrospect: these are the wars, the wrestles with God. Nothing happens to the objective world when you zoom out and watch yourself wrestle. When you are going through unfathomable pain and stress, what is going to happen — will the world explode? No, bro.

There comes a moment when you stay in the battle of insurmountable stress, and the world kind of fades, and it's just you and God. I just know this is me, alone, with God.

I prayed for an answer to my situation. God gave me the idea of fasting. Try it. Let's see how it goes.

I wish everyone could feel this level of loneliness and deep solitude and flow and beauty and prosperity just once in their lives. I wish this were a universal feeling, because it's so beautiful but also so stressful. I feel so alone, just with God — God seeing all the work I am doing, all the research, all the small silent private victories, the hundreds and billions of moments where I was confronted with resistance but chose to nudge deeper, the hours where the world faded and it was just me and God. And I am creating something so original, monumental and massive that it's astronomically beyond what we can comprehend. Later on I want to build headquarters — skyscrapers, things of great scale that eventually manifest into the physical world.